Although you may feel like you are the only one, you are not. A large percentage of other pastors and ministers also feel isolated and alone even as they minister to crowds of people on a regular basis. The feeling of isolation or of being alone plagues many ministers and their spouses. This article identifies 12 causes and potential solutions. It also validates a few of the many needs for spiritual Fathers and/or mentors.
The vast majority of Christian leaders do not actually have a mentor or spiritual father in their life.
Each of the following topics could be a guideline for validating the need for a mentor in your life and ministry.
The Isolation of the Calling
If you truly have a calling from God you may be the only one with that particular call. Even a quick cursory review of the Bible reveals men like Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Elijah, Jeremiah who felt the pain of isolation and solitude. They had no peers.
Elijah even stated once that he was the only one like himself, but God quickly corrected him by saying there were 7000 others similar to him. Your isolation may have many ingredients such as location, a unique but misunderstood calling, not relating to the people around you, and many others.
Regardless of the reason(s) for your isolation you need to understand that there is someone somewhere who can relate to you. It is your responsibility to climb out of your box of isolation. Of course, God always understands, but there are times you also need people. Just having someone to listen to you is not always enough. You need someone with wisdom and sage advice who can help direct you forward. Perhaps you need a mentor? The right mentor will help you use the isolation of the calling as an advantage to become more effective.
The Solitude of Alone Time
Solitude is a two-edged sword. Although it is healthy to have alone time for self, meditation, exercise, relaxation and prayer, it can also become a dark pit of separation and despair. You must not close out the essential people around you. Your family, staff, and peers each need the right amounts of time with you and your input.
If you do not have alone time in your schedule it is imperative that you work toward finding time for it. You must use your alone time wisely by assuring that there is some personal growth value associated with it. You must also establish some mind guards because an idle mind can wander into areas it should not go into. Always remember that the adversary may use your alone time to speak his deceits into your thoughts.
What has solitude done or not done for you? A mentor could help validate that your alone time is really being beneficial to your life and ministry.
The Abandonment of Things You Love
It is not uncommon for your calling or vocation to necessitate relocation. Often in the pursuit of God’s will one finds themself in a place they would prefer not to be. Leaving behind loved ones, familiar surroundings, careers, friends, retirement, and even cultures exacts a heavy toll over process of time. Missed birthdays, anniversaries, and funerals weigh heavy on a caring heart. Going home to find that children have grown and elders have really aged can bring grief, regret, depression, and questions.
There has to be a balance. What is reasonable sacrifice and what is not? Are you absolutely sure of your calling?
A seasoned mentor understands that in one’s youth they will do and commit to things without fully realizing the toll time will take. It is always wise to deal with realities and ramifications early on, or to at least be made aware of them.
False Assumptions
One of the hardest things to deal with is coping with the consequence of unrealized assumptions. Whether you are the leader or the follower you are dependent upon the actions of others. When promises are voided and people abandon, or at best disappoint you, there is an aftermath of feelings and emotions to deal with. The end result can be anger, bitterness and anxiety. These are the works of the flesh. What happens to you is not as important as your response to it. Anyone wrestling with such feelings and emotions would do well to open up to and listen to a seasoned mentor. All of these things can be used for the good if you allow such to occur in you.
Driving Goals and Aspirations Through Others
The peril of leadership is hinged upon the fact that most of what you desire to accomplish must be done through others. The stress of creating organizational unity in a dysfunctional culture exacts a heavy toll. Hidden agendas, disloyalties, dereliction of duty, abdication of responsibility can drain a leader’s energy and creativity. However, the goal is attainable. A good mentor is an ally to make sure you ask the right questions, stay on track, and remain focused.
The Glass House
Even a casual observer of a presidential election understands that nothing in a candidate’s life is sacred or out of bounds from the media’s scrutiny. Hollywood stars are constantly plagued by the paparazzi. Pastor’s and church leaders must comprehend that they and their families also live in a glass house. Although it isn’t always fair you will be held to a higher level of scrutiny and accountability. There will always be the possibility of false rumors and gossip as your motives and actions are critiqued by the uninformed. It is hard to not take things personally or to respond inappropriately. A wise mentor might be the voice you need to help still the storm of feelings and emotions, or point you to the light when darkness closes in.
Always Having to Produce
Pastors and other leaders always find that no matter how much they have done, they still must produce more. If you have preached 1000 great sermons, even a short string of flops will soon have people saying that you have lost it. In every category of leadership there is always a need to produce again and again. Eventually you find that as a leader you too are only human. You are not the “Iron Man” some think you to be. If you are having trouble balancing the inflow and the outflow then you need to pause now and re-evaluate your life, schedule, habits and routine.
Mentors are able to be more objective when evaluating you with external eyes. A good mentor can help you re-adjust your schedule, learn new habits, and abandon negative behaviors for the benefit of all.
Divided Loyalties
Pastors are constantly pulled by divided loyalties. Some cut short their much needed vacation because someone in the congregation gets sick. Others neglect spouses and children while spending too many hours with people who simply demand their personal time and attention. Quite often leaders find themselves counseling in areas they are not qualified to counsel in. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for dysfunction and animosity to creep into a pastoral family because of divided loyalties. A mentor can help you keep your priories in order and save you from the train wrecks caused by long-term neglect and abandonment.
Living with Regrets
One of the saddest legacies is for one to spend their life serving others only to live with regrets in the latter years. Everyone lives life moving forward but understand it looking backward; therefore some things do not make sense until you have lived long enough to learn life’s hard lessons. Every pastor needs a mentor who has been through enough life experiences to identify and relate to the decisions, choices, pitfalls and mistakes that lead to regrets. Now is the time to look at everything you are doing.
When Promises Fail
Have you ever relocated to assume a role or position of responsibility based on the promises of someone else? If you have, or are considering such a change, then you must realize that more often than not unwritten promises are easily cast aside and forgotten by those who made them. At other times the person who made the promise to you has been replaced and the promise voided by their successor. Whether you are dealing with failed or unrealized promises, or contemplating a change based upon promises, you should consult a mentor to help you make sure you are thinking or questioning correctly. It is your life and your ministry and you do not want to make a mistake if one can be avoided.
The Peril of Disconnecting from Reality
It is very frustrating and demoralizing to be a leader that is disconnected from reality. It is equally frustrating to be a follower of a leader who is disconnected from reality. If you are not prepared for leadership you will only harm yourself and those who follow you. It is unfair to drag your family through failure and disappointment again and again simply because you never counted the cost before making the decision to begin a life-changing undertaking. The Bible says if you are going to go to war or build a tower to first make sure you have everything you need to finish it.
The value of a mentor is that external voice of experience that has no hidden agenda. The sole purpose of a mentor is to help you stay on the best path upward for the will of God for your life. A small investment in a mentor may save you from a huge loss of the quality and happiness of life.
Separation from God
Many church leaders have been so busy doing the work of God that they lose connection with God. It is so easy working for God that one may never learn to work with God. It would be a sad ending for you as a leader to gain the whole world only to lose your own soul. Perhaps your dilemma is that due to talent, skill, education, or access to technology you succeeded in ministry without having to be connected to God. Perhaps privilege or heritage positioned you to a place of leadership but you somehow bypassed the essential role of discipleship. These and a host of other scenarios increase your odds of abject failure or moral breakdown.
Now is the opportune time to critically examine your connection to God. It is always in your best interest to have an outside person play the role of critical evaluator. A critical evaluator is someone who will ask the right questions to keep you honest with yourself. A seasoned mentor is most often the best source to perform that role.
